Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The trip to the ME

Over the years I have seen several massage therapists. Each one has a unique way of describing my back....I have heard: cement, rocks, You-just-came-last-week-what-happened? You get the picture. I tend...tee keep all of the stress in my life in my shoulders. A couple of weeks ago, my chiropractor told me that I should consider a massage...I didn't tell him I had just come from an 1 1/2 hour massage, mostly working on my back!!!!! So my massage therapist gave me a name, I called, and today was my appointment.

I walked into his room and there staring at me the entire time during the interview was Buddha. (should have figured that out..eastern medicine...duh!) First came the interview. He asked questions and I answered them. Here are a couple of my favorite:
T: (because his name starts with T) Do you worry?
Me: no, I don't worry...later on I said...oh wait, I'm on meds for anxiety...maybe I did worry...

Later in the interview and my personal favorite....T brings up body image for people in my generation...okay, so that didn't sit well ya little whippersnapper! I told him that I had gained 35+ pounds in the last 5 years since we moved out here and that did bother me. Now here is the fun part.
T: Do you feel it or do you believe it?
Me: do I believe that I am overweight? YES Do I feel it? YES
Wrong answer...I was supposed to pick one. Believe or feel? Why yes, I feel better when I weigh less AND I believe I am overweight...confirming the whole body image for my generation (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

After an extensive interview, he told me to lie on the table. He went out to get the pins/needles! I thought this was just an interview....I would have told him that Costco WAS an emergency. Here's what happened:

First he had to listen to my heart...with his fingers. He put his fingers on my pulse and then he got down right spooky. His eyes would grow large and then small and then large again. Didn't much like that! He "listened" to my heart in my ankles, again with the fingers and the spooky eyes. Then he started to stick pins in me.

I have heard that this doesn't hurt. Well, I would say...some of the areas didn't hurt, my feet and hands and arms....they hurt. Going in AND while they were there. After he had about 15+ stick pins in me, he put a bag of sand over my eyes and told me to relax.
The reason people SAY that it doesn't hurt is because, after the "treatment" and I expressed PAIN...he said, no I didn't feel pain. Pain is something that you want to run out of the room...hmmm....okay, so you know pain and I don't or was it...I was in PAIN but I'll tell everyone, it wasn't pain because I didn't run out of the room.

He then stayed in the room. Now, was when I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't know if he was praying to Buddha or doing paperwork, but I started singing every hymn that talked about the protection of Jesus Christ. For a while, all I said, (this is all in my head) was Jesus! It was now not only spooky eyes but creepy feelings.

He told me that I would take a nap...FAT chance!!! I waited and worried...okay so I should have answered that question differently. What am I going to say when he wants me to schedule the next appointment? (Song about Jesus) Do I make it and call to cancel it? (Song about Jesus) Am I polite? (Praying for protection from spooky and creepy) Do I tell him that this is the most spooky and creepy thing that I have done?

He said he'd wait for 20 minutes. Now, I can feel these pins, and they are not comfortable. It has been at least a day and half that I was laying there...(BTW: My top time limit on laying in the sun...about 10 minutes before I get fidgety) Finally I could stand it no more...I had to ask:

ME: Do people tell you they hate this?

He seemed genuinely surprised. He then asked what I hated. I told him. He said, okay, I want to look at your back. He did something...felt like a rolling pin going from my shoulders to my ankles. Then his fists...same pattern.

Diagnosis? My blood pools in my calves. My heart can get the blood down to my legs but it can't come back up. I asked: How did you know that? He said...well every time I touched your calves, you cringed and I didn't change my pressure.

Okay, Mr. In-a-younger-generation, do you think it is because I had just come from a class at the gym and we had done lunges and squats? Of course my calves are tender! (These were silent, in my head questions. After the hate question, I didn't think he could take these!)

My worst fear never came to pass (see it really doesn't pay to worry). He asked if I wanted to make another appointment or just call in. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Will I go back? Not for a long time. My next worry? Tomorrow I go to get my hair low-lighted and I will be covered with tin foil....wonder if I will pick up alien reception...stay tuned.....until that time, the only pins that will be around me will be those in my pin cushion!!!!